Gooder

I could have done better. I know I could have. I can always do better. It’s a self destructive thought that often leads nowhere. As much as I want to do better for some reason, I never feel like I do any better. Orson Scott Card said, “Perhaps it’s impossible to wear an identity without becoming what you pretend to be” which means that if I try really hard to be good and do good, then I am good. Or at the very least I’m on the path to goodness. But what’s the point? Don’t get me wrong, I understand that to be a good person and do helpful, kind acts isn’t supposed to be about you. I genuinely believe that everyone has an obligation to make the world a better place, or at least an obligation to go into every day with intent to help someone somewhere in someway. And of course that are times where I feel that I’ve made an actual difference to someone and that will always be amazing and special. These occasions are rare. More often than not, helping someone else heightens my awareness of my own problems. But I can’t say anything. After all, I’m helping someone else who is in a state of emotional turmoil. They won’t be able to take my burden off my shoulders. So I bottle. I bottle and bottle and bottle and bottle until I breakdown in the privacy of my own home. I’m safe there. Then I can still be strong for others when they need me. Perhaps need is too strong of a word. I really don’t feel like anyone “needs” me. It’s more like. . . something convenient. I’m helpful to have around. Seeing it put into words really puts my thoughts into perspective. Do I draw self esteem from other people’s approval? Or maybe even worse, is helping others when they’re at low points a form of emotional manipulation to get them to like me more? Even if I do what I think helps them, maybe subconsciously I’m only doing it because I know that it’ll make me look better afterwards. It’s a sobering thought. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have two choices. I can either become an even better person and work to cull out the imperfections from my goodness or I can give up and accept that I will never be good enough. Perhaps I can do both.