It’s been a while since I’ve written anything I want to remain. It’s comforting to know that I can’t be held accountable for anything I post on Snapchat because I know that it’ll be gone after anyone opens it. But there’s also something sad about it. Losing this piece of work that I poured my heart and soul into. I didn’t write for anyone else. The people who have the privilege of seeing my thought processes don’t have to read them. Some of them do, I know. Some of them don’t. That’s ok. They aren’t obligated to read anything. They didn’t sign up to be on the receiving end of my bullshit.
I didn’t know that I was intense until other people pointed it out. I didn’t know that I didn’t feel things the same way other people did. That hate and love and sadness and happiness weren’t supposed to engulf your entire being. Take over your mind and ruin your thoughts. Everything I think is tainted by my own feelings. All the logic in world is futile against my heart. So I’m killing it. I allowed my heart to guide me through life and all it’s led me to is misery. All the while my mind has always been telling me the right way to go through things. I ignored it like an idiot. No more. No more sobbing in the night. No more breaking down in public. I wonder if this is how I lose my humanity. But if this is what humanity is, I want no part of it.
People are horribly cruel. They hurt each other for no reason. They exploit the good things in their life and learn to love the bad things. I suppose this is some sort of coping, but what a horrible way to live. I’m honestly disgusted. Disgusted by the people around me. Disgusted by me. The fact that I constantly need to keep myself in check to prevent myself from falling into the same pitfalls of humanity is exhausting; however, it’s necessary. I refuse to allow myself to succumb to humanity.
I saw the world as a collection of absolutes. A world of informing opposites. A dichotomy. But the world really isn’t that simple. Good and evil don’t really exist because the world doesn’t care. Good and evil are standards that people made in order to serve the social contract we all subscribe to. It is perhaps the greatest example of conditioning ever conceived. Don’t twist my meaning, I’m not launching a tirade against goodness. I’ve wanted to be “good” for my entire life. But I’ve learned that my brand of “goodness” was no goodness at all. Or perhaps my brand of “goodness” wasn’t suitable for this world. Regardless, it doesn’t work. I couldn’t make my “goodness” pure. It was always corrupted by malice and selfishness and hate and a constant need for more. I needed to do more. Always do more. But the more I did, the less it mattered. It’s a basic economic theory. Supply and demand. The more supply I produce, the less people want it. The less people want me.
I’m giving up on goodness. There really is not point. It’s thankless work by definition, and I suppose thankless work isn’t for me. I’m sure I’ve made some sort of difference for the people I’ve touched and I should be thankful for that, but I’m actually spiteful and bitter. No one bothered to do it for me. I believe it be some product of all the things that compose me and the world. I used to believe in free will, but considering my history and understanding of the world, I’m beginning to believe in determinism.
Maybe calling it determinism is just a way of coping. Easier to deal with the world and all of its decisions — all of my decisions — if it’s out of my control. Nevertheless, I feel it is my destiny to impact this world somehow. I won’t pass away into this world quietly. Whatever God there is created me with this amount of intensity. Surely he intended for me to put it to use. I’ve always hated the status quo anyways. Something in this world needs to change. Maybe I was put here to carry it out.
Mediocrity 